9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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