The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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