I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
