Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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