I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
