4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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