your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
