even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
