a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just forgot I was standing up.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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