she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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