He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Randomize
