Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
