So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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