Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
