the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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