i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
