We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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