Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
