Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
