I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Drake has all the answers
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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