Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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