Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
50% drunk capacity currently
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
