Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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