sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
