Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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