go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
