I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
