You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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