Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
