Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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