No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
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