it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
