i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
