you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
