During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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