life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Nicole vs. Life
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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