the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
