yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
