Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
