you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
