We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
