Farmville is her only friend.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
