my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
