Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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