There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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