Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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