if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
bring money and cleavage
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
