I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
