i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
