Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
