I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
two words...techno handjob
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
