It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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